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To the people who always put others before themselves

She has two names- brawny and puny; she has two sides- strong and weak.

She is strong and fierce on the outside, yet dying inside. She’s not the type of person who would tell you everything, because she doesn’t want everyone to feel pity for her. You might see her in silence but she’s shouting in pain inside. Her smiles hide the most painful curves, her cheerful eyes put off every weep she feel inside, and her laugh conceal every sob she doesn’t want everyone to hear.

She is a giver, a provider of the people she treasures the most. She always thinks of others before herself. And that’s the problem of putting others first, because you’ve taught them that you come second.

She is a special type of person. She’s able to put her needs and wants behind; for the sake of the people she loves. However, even though there are times when she feels like all her hard works, sacrifices, and selflessness go unrecognized, she doesn’t mind. Because all she ever wants is to see the people in her life happy, but her happiness is important too.

The starting point for all happiness is shifting the focus away from herself to other people. She is willing to sacrifice her own happiness just to help her love ones, because love is putting someone else’s needs before her.

She stays in silence instead of ranting how tired she is, because she doesn’t want everyone to see her in pain. She is good at hiding her emotions. And when she feels like she can no longer handle it, she’s quietly bursting the entire ache alone.

She is a strong woman who is able to smile in the morning like she wasn’t crying last night. She is fierce, strong, and full of fire. That she could not even hold herself back because her passion burned brighter than her fears. She can’t leave them behind and so she keeps on holding on.

You might see her easy going, but you don’t know she’s walking on a rough road with barefoot. She may look fierce but actually she’s a cry baby. You only know her as brawny but you don’t her as puny. You might see her strong on the outside but you don’t know her struggles inside.

Yet she remain unspoken because she knows she can, and she won’t ask for anything to other people as long she can still handle everything in her hands. Isn’t she tough?

Well she may be tired, but she’s not giving up. She doesn’t need anyone’s sympathy, because she thinks she’s brave enough to face everything with his (God) guidance.

How does it feel to be in love?

I was lying on the roof while watching those countless stars as I try to extend my hand, reaching them from afar. Suddenly I saw stars forming a vision of myself, trying to walk on the ocean with barefoot while enjoying the waves. Then there’s a gradual change of that unusual dream, I even dare to jump off the cliff without any hesitations while feelin’ the air as I fly high.

Now someone ask me…

How does it feel to be in love?

Imagine doing things impossible.

That was the moment I feel like I’m in the Milky Way, seeing those beautiful shiny stars above. I feel like I can walk on the water and face the waves without being afraid of. And even if I jump off the cliff, I don’t care if I fall because I can fly high just like those birds flocking their wings.

 

Love is a pretty powerful drug.

You get high and everything’s in slow motion. It suspends time, making the whole world stops for a moment; it feeds you more than any nourishment- you feel full in the presence of love. It’s an endless tunnel that sweeps you up in the whirlwind and it’s quite tough to free yourself from it.

How does it feel to be in love?

It feels like being home.

It makes me feel like I can accomplish things that scare me. It goes beyond the initial passion. You go through life’s ups and downs as partners.

Being in love, never feels restrictive. You could be anywhere else yet you choose to be in that partnership over and over.

Staying in love is a choice. Its way too easy to fall in love but it’s more challenging to nurture a long-term love.

When you’re in love, you feel that glowing sensation from within. Every decision you make has a new significance because it impacts someone very dear to you.

Life becomes more interesting in new ways.

How does it feel to be in love?

Well…words are not enough to explain it.

Love is an endless feeling; you can’t undo what you feel.

There is something about finding that one person to love which gives life a special feeling. The idea of romantic love is usually intertwined with the belief that we have a single soul mate out there who can feel the hole we know we have.

The more love we feel, the greater our power to create a magnificent life. However, love is a blood-curdling road to venture down. It is not just all about happiness, but you have to deal with bitterness and heartaches as well.

I was once afraid to take one step on a boundary I created between love and fear, but then I realized there is nothing to be afraid of. Why? Because Love is all about taking risks. You wouldn’t know how it feels until you break all of those fences you created. Remember how God sacrificed his life for the people he loves without any hesitations? That is the perfect image of Love in which we should all look up to.

I found myself now going through a process of pealing back the layers of emotional growth. There may be a lot of ways to love but some of them mean different things in different circumstances. The law of attraction has been called the law of love, because the law itself is a gift of love to humanity. It might be a bit risky but I tell you, love is a beautiful feeling in which everyone should take a risk.

 

 

 

To the man who lost me FOREVER

 

“Hi. How are you? How’s life? How’s your career? Are you doing good reviewing? Is it road to CPA now?”

Well, I used to care so much. I tried my best to hold on and keep you, but you didn’t want this as much as I did. I never wanted to pleased anyone, yet I was still there hoping and praying that you would see my worth.

For how long was it again I was waiting for you?

Imagine all those guys I rejected just because of you. Imagine my feelings cut with a blunted knife. Imagine those moments with you that made me feel happy but the majority of the time you shut me out. I hope you also regret about losing me, like how you dropped a diamond while picking up pennies.  I cared for you even if “there was never an us”. I cared for you even if “we’re near yet so far”. I cared for you even if you didn’t care for me.

However…

I know I also caused you heartache at the time of me walking away. You should have been careful of how far you push me away because I ended up liking it there.

It’s like…

I waited.

Got tired.

Lost hope.

And let go.

You had me with your words but lost me with your actions. I was the one who loved you even though you gave me thousands of reasons not to. Congratulations you lost me! 🙂 And thank you for losing me because it leads me to the right one. You showed me my worth and teach me to let go of people I don’t deserve.

Do not feel sorry for me because I only lost you: someone who does not deserve the love I showed, someone who’s not worth fighting for, and someone who took me for granted. But you lost me, you wasted the love someone showed you, you gave up someone who’s worth fighting for, and you throw away a precious gold.

Hence, despite of all those throbbing past I am still grateful that I experienced it, because I ended up with someone who’s afraid of losing me.

And I am happy to finally found someone…

I deserve to wake up in bed next to a man that is happy to see me beside him.

Someone that kisses me in spite of morning breathe and can’t get out of bed before making love to me again.

Someone who won’t stay mad at me, who can’t stand not talking to me, and who’s afraid of losing me.

No more heartaches because I didn’t lose you. You lost me and I thank you for that. 🙂

Why my BASHERS are my biggest FAN

I know that my life is more interesting than you. (No doubt) Probably my name is starting to get out there that’s why I have you (bashers) but no worries because I accept all of you wholeheartedly and I thank you all for coming without knocking on my door.

Haters are my favorite; I am now currently building an empire with the bricks you’ve thrown at me. Don’t you know that “Hating” is the sincerest form of flattery? Well, thanks for wasting your time on me-I appreciate it. Being judged by you shows how important I am- that you exert so much effort and time thinking and talking about me.

Reading all your negative comments and messages won’t bring me down because I am too far above the ground to step unto to your levels. All those nasty things you’ve said, definitely reflects on you. So why would I be affected? You don’t even know me and you don’t have the right to judge me just because of what you see or hear from other people. Who do you think are you to judge the life I live? I may not be perfect but before you start pointing fingers on me, make sure your hands are clean.

I am indeed grateful that I am always a trending topic in your life. There is no doubt that you are all my number 1 fans. “Love me or hate me, either way I’m on your mind.” Don’t worry; I won’t degrade myself by making me hate you because my time is too precious to waste just by worthless people. Remember… You don’t hurt me but rather, you hate yourselves more than I do and I feel pity to all of you.

However, once again I would like to say thank you for making me feel famous. (Flips my hair)

Against all odds

At some point, when two people enter into a relationship they will always find folks opposed to it. I’m talking about friends, family or anyone around you just disliking your partner over something trivial. Now ask me, how does it feel when you’re dating someone whom all the people on earth despise and think he is toxic? Well, I honestly feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. Just think of it, after a long and difficult period of finding “the one” who would though that I’ll fall for someone I didn’t expect to. And it’s kind’a funny how my first is against all odds.

Love is a beautiful feeling in which no one should oppose. I should be happy but how can I be happy if there’s a sad part of me, thinking about those people I treasure the most yet against our relationship? Tell me how can I be happy if they are not happy for me?

I didn’t choose whom to fall in love with, my heart does. Now tell me, was it wrong to feel that way? When did love become so wrong?  Was it falling for someone who had a terrible past with someone else? If “you” or should I say “they” never have luck in love, one must accept it but does not mean everyone will go wrong. I will not say, you have to understand me because I have nothing to explain to all of you.

I didn’t choose “Love over friendship” or “Love over family”, because I believe there are no choices between them. However, I chose to love myself and free myself from that caged where the opinion of other people always matter.  I don’t want to be locked in that cage again.

It makes no sense trying to separate those who truly love each other; it’s just a waste of time as they continue to love. Many might say “there is no forever”, I’d like to reply you with a brighter smile on my face and say “Yes I know. You no longer have to remind me.”

I know that “goodbyes” really do exist, but every ending has a new beginning and only acceptance is the key to move on.  (And I am surely prepared for that :P)

Thus, if the two are eager to be happy without listening to the people who want to separate them, well, it’s their decision and no one has to say the contrary. Why not just be happy and find your own happiness.

 

UNEXPECTED LOVE

Somewhere between all the laughs, silly jokes, long talks, stupid fights and all those crazy things we do together…  I suddenly fell in love with the most unexpected person at the most unexpected time. You’ll really find the beauty of love once you did not expect it to happen. I was not the type of person who would dare to take a risk in love. I was cynical and falling in love was not my thing. For me, Love was like a blind whore with mental disease and no sense of humor at all.

LOVE?

Love was like a gravity, which causes things to drop erratically. The more you toss it away, the more it falls. Despite of the pleasure it gives, it was a canister filled of blissful and excruciating memories. Stuck in a place where nobody wants to dredge up those throbbing past.

Love was playful. It was a game of rash and wise folks. Foolish hearts are those who waste their time and effort innocently trusting trashy people. Who let their own minds and hearts be dupe by those sweet-smelling words they hear.

That was how I perceived love before. That was how I imagined it. That was how I see things before.

Not until someone strode into my life and changes everything.

Those times when I wonder…

I wonder what kind of spell do they cast to these feeble individuals. Who think love is an oxygen that can make their lives alive and kicking, that without it, they would all die.

I wonder why people are thirsty in love, why they’re all in a rush in finding the right one which leads them to the wrong track. There are a lot of questions, clarifications and confusions I so long to be answered.

But now…

He gave me answers.

For how long was it again we became friends? For how long was it again I didn’t see you coming? For how long was it again I focused all my attention to the other? For how long was it again I realized you and me could be together?

Well…

I actually fell for you before I even realized I did.

Isn’t it amazing, when someone comes into your life unexpectedly and you expect nothing out of it, but suddenly all you need is just right there… in front of you.

However,

Struggles really do exist in love because it is required in order to survive in life and to keep you stronger. There is indeed no great love ever came without great struggle.

It’s kind’a funny how my first, really have a lot of things to fix while going through with it. And this is the kind of relationship that is against all odds.

Many might be against us, but when two hearts beat as one, who do you think they are? Because love is pulling together against all odds.

 

Bitter Sweet Love

Firsts would always be superb and endings would often be heart-rending. Isn’t it ironic? How you first said “Hi” and I said “Hello” ended up to a moment of silence.

No more “goodbyes” but you hanged me up to the possibility that you and I could have a happy ending.

It was like falling off from a building then suddenly …

“Bang!” you hit the button.

Isn’t it amazing how quickly your mood can change?

How those sweet messages turned out to bitterness.

I wonder…

was it always something like this? You’ll feel a moment of gladness followed by sorrow.  My self-destructive heart melts under the sun like a chocolate.

The two of us are like sunshine and rain, moon and sun, day and night. Never really meant to be together.

I just hope you left me with an explanation.

But NO..

You never really did. And so I guess, the most painful goodbyes are the ones that are never really uttered.

First time will always be “first time”. How I wished we could just stay on the first time, we could just keep where we first started, or we could just remain what we were like how we first  met.

When I first saw you,

I met you,

I liked you,

I got you,

But then you got bored,

and left…

Love is indeed like a cup of coffee I drink on a one dusky cold evening,

Where I can taste its sweet sensation at first, yet comprises bitterness as I go through it.

Now tell me…

How could you just make memories with someone and then walk away like nothing really happened?

Instant Love? Instant Good bye?

I used to write about you.

I hide everything behind words.

Just like what they say, love an artist coz you will never die… And I precisely agree. Because every piece we made for someone special will never wither or die they will forever be ponder through the work of arts we made.

But sometimes I wonder…

How would I know my value for him?

How can I not expect from someone who’s showing motives?

How can I lock this heart so I won’t get hurt?

(SIGH)

Have you ever tried sitting on bench just observing folks around you? (She sits on a bench) I’ve been a keen observer of people for years. I just love perceiving different behavior from different people and I believe that is one of my talents. I even took pictures of random people I see. Y’know my eyes are like lens of a camera.

Then there’s this guy who captured my eyes. (A full shot of a guy walking around the park) He was wearing a plain black shirt, a denim jeans and a pair of black shoes. He’s tall, white and handsome. ‘Twas kind’a cute seeing him with an eye glasses, everything was in slow motion as he was approaching my direction.

I’d never thought destiny would make a way to help us get closer to each other. I was indeed very happy to see him smile in a close up shot. (She was imagining her first meet up with him with a wide smile) I thought I wouldn’t reach him from a far. Fortunately, destiny has been so nice to me.

‘Twas one of the most flabbergasting moments I will never forget. How we started our conversation, how we first hang out, how we enjoyed each other’s company.

Those were the moments I treasured.

Those were the moments that made me feel special.

Those were the moments that made me shuddered in delight.

I was happy…

We were happy together…

Until I started to wonder…

What’s the real score between us? He never even dares to ask me about it. He never even dares to dredge up that topic. I was also afraid to ask him first, because I still have a lil pride in me. That’s what made me feel so confused.

I didn’t want to attach myself to him without any assurance.

I didn’t want to expect much.

But I just did…

Every time I see him,

Every time we hang out,

Everything about him made me fall for him even more.

I wonder if he felt that way too… or it’s just another one-sided feeling…

“Panandaliang kilig” like what I used to hear from the younger generation.

Well… is that how they perceived things nowadays?

We started in a smooth-sailing journey together.

And now what? He left me in nowhere.

After all those happy moments together, he now has the guts to say… He’s busy with his life?

Okay I understood…

But I was still there patiently waiting for him until he cut our communications.

I know he knew that I like him. I just don’t get the point why he didn’t even bother to make a move if he’s indeed into me.

Probably… he’s not yet ready?

But…no.

He just… doesn’t feel like to be in a relationship.

He just… doesn’t feel like to be committed.

He… just doesn’t like labels.

Those moments when you thought everything’s going fine between you. When you thought those fantasies could turn to reality. When you thought you could be together.

But no… coz you were never mine and I was never yours. Everything about us… just vanished into thin air.

Let God write your Love story

Love can be a bloodcurdling road to venture down, yet many people still love to strode on that course because

Love is  patient..

Love is kind…

It always protects..

Always trusts..

Always hopes..

Always perseveres..

Love never fails…

And even if I know I would get crash in the end, I wouldn’t bother to think twice but still get in the car with the one I love all over again because love is a combination of bitter and sweet sensation.

That even if you get hurt a million times, even if your heart got crashed shoddily , or even if you stepped on that aisle full of thorns just to be with the one you love .

Never get tired of loving, never be afraid to love and get hurt, instead continue to  shower love and forever be grateful showing the affection you feel inside because that’s how True Love works.

Falling is inevitable,  it does not appear with any warning signs. It can happen anywhere or to anyone. There may be variety of emotions and risks that love can bring but never lose hope. Each of us have different ways in protecting our hearts but hurting is inescapable. People experience all those gut-wrenching pain of a heartbreak but all of it is indispensable.  You might feel a bit of failure for now but he never fail you. The best way to find love is to find God.

You probably took all of it but didn’t work.

Then why not let  the perfect author write the best Love Story for you?

He is the perfect image of Love. His desire is to give as all the Love that can surpass Romeo and Juliet, Edward and Bella, Noah and Allie,  Ronnie and Will or whatever idea of a Love Story you have in mind.

Never have doubts about what your author is writing for you. His plans isn’t second best or average it is always the best because he doesn’t want us to settle for less. Live your life freely , with an open hand instead of a tight grip. Give him the pen and let him write your story, it will surely be amazing!

Time has a wonderful way of showing us what really matters. Take time to love God and to love yourself. And when God knows you’re ready for the responsibility of commitment , he will reveal the right person under the right circumstances.

Let him strode into your life, your heart , and everything will be perfect. God’s plan will always be greater and beautiful than your disappointments in life. You just have to trust him. 🙂

Stuck in Love

Stuck between past and present. I was quite sitting along the seaside watching the waves broke and spread their waters swiftly over the shore. I noticed that the waves fell; withdrew and fell again, like my feelings for you.  I fell, like how the leaves from those trees easily fall when a sudden wind blows cold. I withdrew, like when I suddenly fall asleep on a winter day and withdrew my awareness from its hypnotic fascination with physical sensation, thereby allowing me to wake up and stand from whatever foolishness I feel for you. Yet, here I am again falling, like how  a gravity pulls back things I already throw.

Remember…

I wrote our names on the sand but what if the shore will be washed by the waves?

I wrote our names on the trees but what if tress will be cut?

I wrote our names on benches but what if benches will be painted?

Yet… I will  never get tired and will still be writing our names because in this world of ephemera, You and I are the only constant…

Well, that was when I thought we really are.. But I was wrong..

And as I was sitting there alone, thinking about past, someone strode to my life and suddenly handed me his hand. An act of saying “stand up. cheer up. I’m here to unlock you from being imprisoned.”

I have doubts yet one must release the grime built up inside to free their emotions like the ocean. I wanted to flee these wings and fly like there’s no tomorrow. I wanted to free myself from this caged I have been in, since the day I met my past. I wanted to run away and never comes back.

All I ever did was to wait.  I was caged by my own feelings and waited for someone to unlocked me. I waited for someone I don’t have any assurance of. I waited for someone I thought would come back for me.

And as I was waiting , I’d never thought someone would dare to walked in to my fed-up life . Someone once again give color to the griminess of my life. I wasn’t exactly sure if my heart is in good condition now, but all I know is that …

I am happy…
Not until  past came again…

Memories keep  hunting me…

Once again you strode into my life. But this time I can see regret and sincerity in your eyes. You held my hand as you were begging for me to come back.

“Why now?”

That was the only question I wanted you to answer straight to my eyes but you can’t even answer me directly.

Why?

I have a lot of “Why’s?” now in life

And now it made me wonder..

that  even nature; those restless waves, irregular trees and stars all out of line show that chaos can be beautiful.

And yes. You were that beautiful chaos I ever had. But you are no longer that someone I would dare to give my heart back.

……

Thus, this is the day I forgive my past and close my eyes. ..

I can hear a river flowing inside me again, those waves of the ocean hitting my soul once again and indeed the sun shines, lightning up my darkness nights.